After 5 months of doubting myself as I turned 23, here I am still struggling to get that law degree. 5 months since I told myself that I will focus on my studies, that I won’t skip classes, 5 months since I made a promise that I will face my fears. And yes, I guess I’m just good at making promises. I didn’t change. I’m still a failure, I still chose to absent to be safe for the recitation, to not feel embarassed, to avoid that feeling when you have the shitty recit, to not experience standing in 2 hrs or more under humiliation, I’m still thinking of what my classmates would say as well as what they think. I don’t want to be that “weakest slash bobo person in class” I don’t want them to look down on me. Because of these fears and being pessimistic guess what… I failed all my 2nd year subjects. </3 these really made me feel down but I know I have no right to be sad because I chose this. I chose not to study, I chose social media over books, I chose not to try, and most of all I chose to do nothing than to learn something. This is really hard because I don’t know how to tell this to my family who just know that I’m doing well in this journey especially to my brother who’s supporting me from the start. I cannot tell them that I just wasted my 1 year in law school, I just wasted my brother’s money, I’m not anymore a regular student,and that I will not be a lawyer on the year 2020. This is really hard because I don’t want to disappoint them, but I just did and it sucks!
March 14, 2017. It’s been 23 years of my existence in this world. twenty fuckin three of not knowing what is my purpose and why am I still here trying to finish my law degree, chasing my dream, thinking that I will get through this even though I’m having a hard time understanding the law, put all the information in my brain cells, answering in recitations, getting high grades in exams and passing all my subjects every semester. yeah my life revolve around law school. reading. procrastinating. cramming. crying. doubting. hoping. praying. fighting. Our Professor once told us that pursuing law is like courting the one you love. You is the one who’s courting and law is the one you love. Because in courting, you will do anything for the one you love. But not all the time you should pursue the one you love/law if you know to yourself that you don’t have the ability or the aptitude that the love/law needs. “If you want to be a lawyer you need to burn the midnight lamp.” and yes, all the time, I feel that my brain’s not working and I just feel dumb but it won’t stop me. A hardworking man is better than a smart man. As I turned 23 I’m leaving all the negative vibes in me. I will trust God and myself along this journey. I will never be absent just to be safe for recitation. And I will start to discipline myself from using social medias instead of feeding my brain.